Have you ever been lost in the daydream of how good life was before kids? Standing in the checkout with one child whining for a treat and the other one clinging to your shirt and refusing to sit in the trolley while you try to unload the groceries single-handedly? You sigh and reminisce about how easy life used to be. Before having kids I thought that reminiscing was reserved for romance and travel, not solo trips to the supermarket.
I was recently discovered that one of the most commonly searched phrases around parenting was 'regretting motherhood'. I was at once deeply compassionate and slightly alarmed. I knew what this felt like. The feeling of wishing for your simple, easy life back. Of late lunches and long sleep ins. This reminded me of a Mother's Day past where my husband asked me for gift ideas and all I really wanted was a day without the kids.
People tell you that motherhood is hard, but you never really know what they mean until you're in it. But did I regret having my kids? I was immediately curious to know what this meant for myself and for all the other mothers out there.
I came across a few studies that had been done in the last two decades and most of them reported that a small but significant minority of women completely regretted having children (around 7%). And let's be clear. This is very different from suggesting that they don't love their children, but given the option to go back in time and chose again, they would chose not to have kids. There's something about that level of honesty that I deeply respect. It can't be easy to own that.
One of the issues that arises from parents who feel like their lives would be better if they never had children, is that it can seep into the relationships between parent and child. These feelings of ambivalence can can cause children to internalise feelings of unworthiness, making them believe there is something inherently wrong with them.
This began to hit home for me. As a child, while I don't believe for a second that I was unwanted, I definitely experienced moments of ambivalence from my parents. This has shown up for me is so many ways, including a deep sense of 'not-enoughness'. It has been a source of my anxiety and provided endless hours of content for my therapy sessions. I began to piece together the connections between my internal sense of worthiness, my experiences as a child of occasionally ambivalent parents, my unrealistic expectations of myself as a mother (see The Idea Of The Super Mum Is One That Needs To Die) and my own parenting style.
Some of the most profound work that I have done in therapy has been around the idea of who I am as a mother. Once I was able to let go of the expectations that I believed were the gold standard of womanhood, and just lent into the slowing down that happens in motherhood, I was able to let go of my regret. I could see how imaging my life through the lens of perfectionism was actually the cause of my unhappiness. I moved from a space of regret to one of profound gratitude. I know that sounds a little exaggerated, but I truly did.
I love my kids. I now I actually love being with them too.
If you would like to explore how you could find more ease and joy in motherhood, check out my availability for one to one sessions here.
Comentários