The idea of the super mum is one that needs to die in my opinion. When I gave birth to my eldest, I had this belief that I wouldn't have to change anything about my life to have a baby. That I could still be a career woman, a party girl, a yoga practitioner, a hot wife, that I could do it ALL while being a great mum. And you know what happened. I made myself sick. I was so physically unwell in the first 12 months of my daughters life that I had nothing to give her. On top of that, my mental health had dropped to an all time low. I had chronic anxiety that was causing me to disconnect from all the people and things I loved most in my life.
I'm not proud to say it, but I feel a deep need to be truthful here. I turned to alcohol to manage my pain. I was in physical pain, emotional pain, and I didn't know it at the time, but I was in spiritual pain too. I drank to numb myself. To not feel for just a few short hours in the evening before I'd go to sleep. And the more pain I felt, the more I drank. Yet the more I drank, the more pain I felt. You get the picture.
Somewhere in the blur of those first 12 months, I decided to get help. Real help. A therapist. Which was really hard for me because I had been raised to be hyper independent and solve my own problems. It took me a while to open up and to my surprise, even though I had told him, my therapist never asked me about the drinking. At first, I thought this was a good thing because I had so much shame around it that speaking openly about it, with anyone, really hurt. I didn't want to talk about it.
As my sessions went on, I learnt how to develop a deep sense of self-compassion. And from this place, I was able to see my alcohol dependant behaviour as a result of my struggle and offer myself love instead of shame. I had so much compassion for my pain. It made sense that I would seek out strategies that would make me feel less hurt, even if they had negative consequences in my life. It made sense that I was trying to fill the sense of emptiness and unworthiness that ached inside me. I could never be the woman I thought I had to be. The expectations I had of myself were just unrealistic. I was not a super mum. I was just a regular mum, doing her best to get by in this crazy, messy, funny, exhausting, heart-filling journey of motherhood.
Once I could see this, I didn't need to try and stop drinking. I just didn't feel the need anymore. I didn't judge myself as not enough anymore so when I came home to my family after a day at work I wasn't looking to escape. I was there to be with them. Just be. No expectation.
You can take my story about alcohol and transplant food, spending, tv, social media, whatever it is that you are doing to check out of your life and this could be your story too. There is a way back. And it is such a beautiful soul expanding one too.
If you would like to explore this space and work with me one on one, check out my holistic counselling availability here.
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